by Roddie McKenzie
Hullo-err Big Man! Wakey- Wakey! Thons a brammer o’ a boatl ye goat therr. Whit’s the chance o’ a wee bevvy? Ah could ferr go wan.
Whit? Who the fuck am I? Aw cum oan Jimmy, yer naw serious? Yer joking. Naw? Ye that bloatered? Really NAW?
Do ye no clock the claes and the big chib? Does that no gie ye a scoobie?
Aw, fur fucks sake…
Calm doon pal, dinnae shite yersel. Ahm no here fur you.
Ahm knackered, bin a helluva day (if ye’ll pardon the pun). Ah saw yer light oan, keeked in the windae and thought the boay might offer us a wee dram. That Okay-dokay?
That’ll be magic, smells the bizness.
Well, gled tae hear it… but yer oer the top man, nae thanks required. C’moan… stoap greetin’ ahm naw the bogey man- yer guid health, c’moan…swally.
Busy? Ahm dain’ mair hoose calls and hoaspital visits thin Dr Finlay- it’s jist radio-rental noo…ran aff ma feet, look, wurked ma fingerrs tae the bone- Ahm mair knackered than wan o thae delivery drivers, know whit ah mean? Why? It’s the new boay have taken oan- wee Covie. Gie the laddie his due, he nivver lets up alweys finding new bizzness. Mind ye he goat loads o’ government help fae Boris and Trump.
At first ah thought it wiz magic- thought ah could afford a wee hoaliday in Tigray or sumwhehr sunny. But ah nivver get any time aff. He forgets ahm the heid bummer, no him. It’s a marathon boay, no a sprint. Disnae listen tho.
An it’s causin a stooshie wi ma ither china’s: ‘Flu goat the hump and Ebola’s like a bear wi a sair heid. Ahm an auld man- bin in this gemme a lang time, an’as lang as the hatches and dispatches match up, ahm fair made up. Ahm no intae empire building, cannae be daein wi this turbo-capitalism like Covie does. Ah could dae withoot it.
Whits the big fuss oan the frontay yer peper? Gies a swatch.
A vaccine has been tested and approved Eh? Ha! That will pit the malky oan the wee bam, that will pit the hems oan him, hopefully fur guid. Mebbe thin ah kin get back tae normal.
Worried aboot tredd? Naw me, aw thae anti-vaxers will keep me in business jist fine, jist fine. Tickety Boo. Onywey, thanks buddy fur the wee refreshment, but ah better git offski. Ahm away tae see yer neebor- bet he disnae feel sae clever aboot that perty he went tae last month. Cheerio.